This is a very personal post. I’m reflecting on the hike from last weekend, walking the whole length of the Kiel Canal in 24 hours, and why I currently feel like I failed.

Please be aware: It might all sound super negative and maybe sad. Therefore, letting you know in advance, I’m ok! My body is getting back to normal; I can walk normally again (just the blisters annoy me). Mentally it’s challenging, but nothing to worry about; hence, I’m writing this.

This is not a conclusion. It’s just how I feel right now, reflecting a few days after the hike because I said I’d post an update. I’m sharing my thoughts openly because it helps me to reflect (although I have to admit, it’s not easy talking about this; it hurts). I write this text exactly how the thoughts are in my head, not polished, just real; it might get weird and confusing.

Please do not read if you’re not ok with that. You don’t have to. I still love you! ❤️

Thank you for your support

Talking about you, the most important part comes first: I am extremely grateful for all your support! 🥹❤️🤗😘

Your lovely messages throughout the night and afterward (can’t name you all; I would rather not forget anyone). The way you cheered me up. The surprise when I got home (you know who you are, thank you 😘). My dad, who drove me to Brunsbüttel, the start of the challenge. The list goes on …

I have no words to describe how much your support meant to me (and still does).

All I can say is, from the bottom of my heart, I love you – I really do. Sending you hugs and kisses (choose what you prefer, or take both). ❤️❤️❤️🤗🤗🤗😘😘😘

Recovering and reflecting

A few days have passed since I “quit” the challenge, to walk the entire length of the Kiel Canal in 24 hours, a hike of about 110 km. I failed. I did not finish the challenge, and I quit when it was difficult.

In total I walked 67.8 km (about 42.13 mi) – without shoes; about 19 km barefoot, the rest wearing socks (mainly to protect my feet in the dark because it was difficult to see where I was stepping).

Over the past days after “quitting”, I’ve been reflecting on what happened. I’m writing this to help myself understand. To maybe get rid of negative thoughts, to possibly find a way to improve next time.

I’m sharing this publicly because perhaps one or two of you are actually interested in how I feel. And to share why I’m currently thinking about it as just another failure in my life.

Quick recap: What happened?

Here’s just a quick recap about the hike. I will create another post sharing more about the walk I did, including some pictures, in the near future.

I went out on a challenge, to walk the whole length of the Kiel Canal, without shoes. I started in Brunsbüttel at about 5 PM, and walked the entire night until I was in Rendsburg early in the morning.

I truly loved the night, the solitude, the quietness, nature. It was magical. It was peaceful. I love being by myself. While of course it was tough (physically and mentally), I enjoyed it so much.

However, starting at about 40 km in, I had less and less energy (must be around 1-3 AM, I think). I had to walk a detour because there was some kind of construction at the canal. I felt sad that I wasn’t able to walk directly at the canal (although I knew about this detour in advance; it was planned). I think I was just tired, which makes everything “worse”.

I got those thoughts, “Why am I doing this? It’s stupid!”. But I had to continue because there was simply no option to quit (I mean, like a train or calling someone to pick me up). I took another break at around 45 km, and decided I would slowly move on, to the next ferry (they are 10-15 km apart at this point) because there I had the opportunity to lie down, protected from the wind.

While continuing, my feet and legs hurt more and more. That was expected. But I got nasty blisters (I didn’t notice them until much later), which made walking even more difficult. My legs cramped up and got super stiff; I could almost not move them. I got slower and slower, barely moving forwards.

Also, as the light came back, the sun slowly rising, I wasn’t alone anymore. Other people went on their morning run or went fishing. After the solitude at night, this stressed me a lot. Especially in the bad condition I was in. Not because I don’t want them to see me, but rather because I got overwhelmed by my situation and the people.

Shortly before I arrived in Rendsburg, the first true option of an exit (train station) as well as a bakery and supermarket to resupply, I finally noticed the bloody blisters and tried to use some plasters (which don’t really stick to my feet). While slowly making my way to the bakery, I decided to walk to the train station and quit the challenge. I did not feel good about it, but I also did not feel good about continuing.

I failed. Again. But why “failed”?

Arriving at the train station, I walked for 67.8 km. That is a long distance, especially at night, not wearing proper shoes. Sure, many people walked more than that, but to me this is more than double the distance I ever walked before (I can’t tell for sure as I don’t remember the distances from my teens and early 20s, but I don’t believe I ever walked more than 40 km, more like 20-30 km).

After relaxing for a day, especially recovering my body, I can say I’m proud of that achievement, knowing that I’m not at a good fitness level at all. It’s huge. I’m happy about that.

However, I still feel like I failed.

I failed to finish the challenge of walking the whole length – but that’s ok.

What I’m really struggling with is that I, again like always in my life, failed to push through when things got difficult. That was the actual reason why I set out on this challenge. To continue when I don’t want to. When my body and mind say “stop”. To prove myself, I can go through difficult times. To once in my life finish something, especially in a super difficult time right now (being totally broke, living from the overdraft of my bank, not actually able to pay rent, insurance or buy food – but that’s another story).

But I failed.

I failed to achieve the true reason why I started that walk. And that is what hurts so much. I can’t recall any time I ever pushed through, when things got bad and difficult. And this challenge is just another story of that. Another unfinished thing I started.

I feel like everything I try to do ends up in failure.

Well, that’s basically it. That’s how I feel right now, few days after the hike. 🤷‍♂️

It’s good to write it all down. To work on this with my friend and mental coach Floh (big shout-out to you!)
But for now, I have nothing else to add. Let’s see what’s next. Guess I have to continue somehow.

Love You ❤️
Natha