Ok, the name of this topic is a bit of clickbait or over-the-top, not gonna lie. However, it pretty much describes the feeling I have with the people around me and society in general, in many situations and social interactions. And I try to understand what is going on.

I feel like nowadays being friendly is a bad trait. In many situations when I try to be friendly (like opening a door for someone, saying “hello” and honestly asking, “How are you doing today?”, genuinely being interested in who someone is, or just giving a compliment), I sense that the person is getting mad at me, or I get some other form of “bad” feedback (verbal and non-verbal). In fact, I feel like this is happening in more than half of the interactions I have.

And I don’t understand why.

Why is it bad to be nice? That’s the main question I’m asking myself, the reason for this post.

This question is very frequently keeping me awake at night. Those situations more often than not turn a good day into a sad day for me.

Before I start with the actual post

This is a personal post. I’m sharing my thoughts and feelings.

I’m writing the notes for this post with a pen in my notebook (for the young kids: that’s how we used to do it, and I’m not even that old), sitting on a bench in the sun, while watching people walking down the street, living their lives. Makes me so happy that spring is just around the corner!

I do use ChatGPT as some kind of a sparring partner; it helps me to sort my feelings, and organize my thoughts. None of what you read in this post is actually written by AI.

Please don’t read if you’re not open-minded to maybe some strange thoughts of mine or if you don’t like not-well-structured content (this is not an editorial piece; this is straight out of my mind).

Also: This post is not about “settling scores” with the people around me or exposing them. I won’t mention any names, but yes, besides speaking about random people and society in general, I will also mention the words “friends,” “neighbors,” or, in general, people I do know. Please do not take it personally! It is not intended to do that.

If you read this, and you sense that I’m describing a situation you and I had, be assured that every interaction I write about happened on many occasions, with numerous random people. Nothing is written about one specific person.

I’m not mad at anyone! If at all, I’m mad at myself, for my reaction to those situations, and to my thoughts.

This post is about me trying to explain my feelings and my thoughts. Trying to understand society and its “norms”.

With writing this, I try to clear my mind. And with sharing this, I might find someone who feels similar, and we can exchange our feelings. Always in a loving and supportive way!

Because I truly love you! From family to friends to neighbors to (former) colleagues to people I know and met during the years to the random people I bump into every day.

Furthermore, this is not about me saying that I’m a super friendly person, and no one else is. This is purely about me saying, that I’m trying to be friendly, and in many situations the feedback I get is quite the opposite. And this makes me sad and insecure.

This is also not about me complaining or judging anyone (besides myself).

In the end, I’m just trying to understand.

What does friendliness mean to me?

I guess, for a more profound understanding of what I’m writing in this post, it is important to have the same baseline. Therefore, I’d like to share what friendliness means to me.

Some of you might know about my hoodie with all the hearts. The idea behind it is spreading love and happiness. And I believe that friendliness is a form of love. When I’m friendly towards others, I’m trying to share love with them.

Friendliness is also a way of valuing the other person. For example, when I’m helping someone or asking a question, I’m choosing to spend some of my most valuable resource (my time) on someone else. Not because I want anything in return, but rather because I value the wonderful person.

To me it all comes back to the philosophical question of “Why can’t we just love each other?” Now, that’s a topic for a different time. But friendliness is one way for me to answer that question to myself.

That’s why those “negative” reactions hit me so hard: it feels like love isn’t welcome.

I try to be friendly = People think I’m rude?

Now, what exactly do I mean when I say that I feel like nowadays friendliness is a bad trait? There have been many situations, in different places, at different times, in which I felt like that.

Moreover, this happened with plenty of people. People I consider(ed) to be friends, neighbors, or people I somehow know, total strangers, women, men … When I’m telling you about these situations, it is not related to someone specific.

For example, when I open the door for someone or offer help in another way, the response is “I can do that myself!”. I know you can, and I never doubted it. All I wanted was to try to be nice and help you out with opening the door.

Another situation, when I compliment someone. For example, I tell them, “Hey, I like the style of your jacket!” or “Wow, such an inspiring way how you handled X, Y and Z,” basically compliments that I truly mean, without any further intention besides sharing something positive. The responses are different, but most of the time they make me feel like, “Oh, how dare you compliment me! Leave me alone!” Something along the lines of the compliment is meant only in a way that I actually want something in return.

Something else is when I’m interested in the people around me. With “interested” I mean I’m genuinely interested in who the person is, what their backstory is, how they ended up where they are, what  I can learn from them.

I don’t mean interested in a way that I have any intentions (this I mean especially when I’m talking to women women), just interested in the person.

And also, of course, I choose my questions according to whom I’m talking to, and what situation we’re in. A stranger I will ask differently (if at all) than, let’s say, a neighbor or someone I see more often.

I consider this to be a friendly act because everyone appears to be so anonymous. And it’s ok that we don’t want to share everything with everyone (I don’t either). But how can we learn and grow if we don’t share our learnings? Interest, to me, is just a form of valuing the other human.

Anyway, the response is more often than not very negative.

These are just a few examples. It frequently happens, and it always makes me feel like I’ve been rude. It makes me sad, because I just wanted to be nice.

What makes me feel like I’ve done something wrong?

This is not about finding an answer. Just sharing what comes to my mind.

In all the situations, I end up feeling like I’ve done something wrong. Have I? I don’t know. I only acted the way I’d like the world to be.

What probably makes me sad and doubt myself in those situations is disappointment about the response I get. While I’m never trying to be friendly just to get anything in return, maybe my unconscious mind is actually expecting some form of positive feedback?

This could be the words “thank you”, which are essential to me. And perhaps I’m disappointed when others can not use those words, while it would be so easy and it only takes a second.

Perhaps I just feel misunderstood or misjudged by the other person, while actually in that situation I’m unable to show enough empathy towards them? Possibly they’re stressed, busy or whatever?

About being disappointed

If it is the case that I’m secretly disappointed in my unconscious mind, the question I have to ask myself is, why am I disappointed?

And the answer to this is obvious: It is NOT the person disappointing me. It is my expectations, which might be too high, and their response does not match that.

The bubble we live in

While I’m watching all the people walking by, my other thought is that everyone is living in their bubble. Maybe they’re on their phone, perhaps they’re thinking about whatever, or they’re having a bad day and got distracted. Whatever it is, every one of us is living in their little bubble.

And everything that comes from the outside feels like some form of attack, even if it was meant to be something nice.

People might feel attacked because they feel obligated to give something in response, even when they don’t have to. They’re trying to protect themselves.

In that moment, it’s just something unexpected, and therefore the response is defense.

Conclusion

I guess, in the end it just makes me sad, that when I try to be friendly, the response is more often than not one that I don’t like. And that is all up to me, not the fault of someone else.

It just makes me feel like being friendly is a bad trait. Like whatever I do is wrong. Which always comes back to my expectations.

I don’t want to stop being friendly. I just want to learn how to do it in a way that feels safe for others and doesn’t hurt me as much.

Therefore, I’d like to hear from you: How do you think about this? Have you had a similar experience? How did it make you feel? Would you say I’m just overreacting? What are your thoughts? What does it feel like to you, when someone is trying to be friendly?

Also, if you feel like I have “overdone” it with trying to be friendly, feel free to reach out and tell me honestly; otherwise I won’t be able to learn.

Love You ❤️
Natha